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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Just Walked Into Best Buy For No Reason Whatsoever

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite having no reason for entering the store, 39-year-old Pat Arneson reportedly stopped into a local Best Buy Tuesday, browsed through the various sections, and then left 15 minutes later. "I don't know why, but I just sort of felt compelled to go in there," said Arneson, confirming that while inside he watched a child play a video game, avoided eye contact with sales representatives, and picked up some security-tethered cell phones from their cradles before letting them zip back into place. "I didn't really need anything. Didn't really want anything, either." After standing in front of a display of USB drives for five minutes, Arneson left the Best Buy and was last seen driving to the Barnes and Noble across the street, where, sources said, he was going to flip through some magazines.

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