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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Just Walked Into Best Buy For No Reason Whatsoever

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite having no reason for entering the store, 39-year-old Pat Arneson reportedly stopped into a local Best Buy Tuesday, browsed through the various sections, and then left 15 minutes later. "I don't know why, but I just sort of felt compelled to go in there," said Arneson, confirming that while inside he watched a child play a video game, avoided eye contact with sales representatives, and picked up some security-tethered cell phones from their cradles before letting them zip back into place. "I didn't really need anything. Didn't really want anything, either." After standing in front of a display of USB drives for five minutes, Arneson left the Best Buy and was last seen driving to the Barnes and Noble across the street, where, sources said, he was going to flip through some magazines.

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