adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Just Wants To Come Home, Hear Lindsay Lohan Made Fun Of, Get Some Sleep

BELLEVUE, NE—Having just put in another double shift at work, 41-year-old utility worker Charlie Bellows reported Tuesday that he would like nothing more than to return home, sit on his couch, listen to utterly predictable jokes about troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, and get a full night's rest. "All day long, I look forward to kicking back and hearing a series of lame cheap shots at Lindsay Lohan's expense before I head to bed," said Bellows, who claimed that with the stresses of his job he needed time at the end of every day to just unwind and listen to a hack comedian rip into the emotionally damaged young woman. "I don't think that's too much to ask." Bellows also claimed that after a good night's sleep, nothing prepares him for another hard day of work like a large cup of coffee and a loud radio personality's stale, shallow jabs at politicians.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings