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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him

ENCINITAS, CA—Intently scanning the room for signs of fatigue or excessive perspiration, local gym member Brian O’Grady reportedly kept a tally Monday of how many people were in worse shape than him. “That guy’s been on the seated bike for like a minute and he’s already out of breath, and that old dude’s doing like 30 pounds on the shoulder press machine—so, yeah, that’s two,” O’Grady thought to himself, leaping suddenly into double digits as he counted 15 people limply moving their arms and legs in a Zumba class. “And I bet I could easily outlast four of these people on the ellipticals, plus two, maybe three on the treadmills—oh, and definitely the guy who’s been on the rower two minutes and could have a heart attack any time now.” At press time, O’Grady had determined that a muscular woman doing numerous weighted pull-ups was a professional athlete of some sort and would not count against him.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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