Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him

ENCINITAS, CA—Intently scanning the room for signs of fatigue or excessive perspiration, local gym member Brian O’Grady reportedly kept a tally Monday of how many people were in worse shape than him. “That guy’s been on the seated bike for like a minute and he’s already out of breath, and that old dude’s doing like 30 pounds on the shoulder press machine—so, yeah, that’s two,” O’Grady thought to himself, leaping suddenly into double digits as he counted 15 people limply moving their arms and legs in a Zumba class. “And I bet I could easily outlast four of these people on the ellipticals, plus two, maybe three on the treadmills—oh, and definitely the guy who’s been on the rower two minutes and could have a heart attack any time now.” At press time, O’Grady had determined that a muscular woman doing numerous weighted pull-ups was a professional athlete of some sort and would not count against him.

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