adBlockCheck

Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line

Top Headlines

Food

God Hurting After Eating 20-Piece Spicy Angel Wings

THE HEAVENS—Staring off into the middle distance for several minutes in obvious discomfort, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was “hurting real bad” after consuming an entire 20-piece order of spicy angel wings.

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

Having a child who refuses to eat most foods can be both frustrating and alarming for parents, but there are ways to work through this phase as a family. Here are The Onion’s tips for handling a picky eater

GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

Consumers have consistently distrusted the use of genetically modified organisms in their food, believing that they make food unsafe for consumption, although a majority of scientific evidence contradicts these views. Here are the common myths associated with GMOs and the facts that refute them

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Food

Man Kicking Self For Wasting Valuable Plate Space At Beginning Of Buffet Line

Schultz scolds himself for filling nearly his entire plate before even exiting the vegetable section.
Schultz scolds himself for filling nearly his entire plate before even exiting the vegetable section.

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Moments after taking generous servings from the first several steam trays at all-you-can-eat restaurant Pepper’s Kitchen, local man Lucas Schultz was reportedly kicking himself Friday for squandering precious plate space at the very outset of the buffet line.

Schultz, who took stock of the wide array of appetizers, pastas, side dishes, and meats offered on the homestyle smorgasbord, is said to have identified the mistake almost immediately while adding an unnecessary second scoop of green bean casserole to his already packed plate, causing him to mentally chastise himself for his reckless lack of foresight.

“Man, I really screwed this one up,” said Schultz, looking up from the plate loaded with steamed corn, scalloped potatoes, and macaroni salad to see that he had left little room for the wealth of dining choices still to come in the 20-foot-long buffet. “There’s no way I need this much red beans and rice. And it’s taking up, like, a quarter of my space.”

“If I knew there were barbecue wings, I wouldn’t have even taken most of this stuff,” the 37-year-old added.

Schultz, sources confirmed, grew increasingly frustrated with his rash choices at the buffet and quietly berated himself while looking ahead in line and noticing other customers happily piling pot roast, honey-glazed baked ham, and fried shrimp onto their dishware.

Compounding the difficult situation, Schultz reportedly became acutely aware of pressure building behind him as patrons impatiently waited while he deliberated his next move. Schultz, who is said to have grown even more flustered while attempting to decide whether his plate could accommodate both beef stroganoff and baked haddock, reportedly apologized under his breath and mistakenly hurried past a tray of meatloaf he had previously been looking forward to trying.

Despite his fellow customers expressing their annoyance with sighs and scowling, Schultz reportedly continued to assess the remaining buffet items, frantically making mental calculations to determine what might possibly fit on the cramped plate and making the difficult decision of foregoing certain dishes he desired.

“I hate to admit it, but at this point I have to completely rule out the country fried steak,” said Schultz, who admitted to reporters he had no one but himself to blame for the blunder. “And there’s probably no way I can realistically even consider the carved turkey and gravy or chicken and dumplings.”

“Boy, I really should have thought this through when I first started grabbing food,” added Schultz, who appeared envious as he watched patrons on the opposite side of the buffet casually spoon up large servings of baked macaroni and cheese.

After quickly dismissing the ideas of putting back the untouched cornbread he had taken or eating some of his buffet choices off his plate while standing in line, Schultz is said to have contemplated stacking Italian meatballs on top of jambalaya before ultimately abandoning the notion and heading for the fried chicken drumsticks.

Schultz, however, reportedly softened his self-criticism momentarily when he eyed several unappealing seafood options and surmised that it was “no big deal” to miss out on sampling that cuisine.

Those close to the situation told reporters that Schultz experienced his sharpest sense of regret when he approached the buffet’s meat lasagna—a dish that he has reportedly described on several prior occasions as one of his “favorites”—and noted with frustration that there was no conceivable manner with which he could fit one of the pre-cut portions onto his plate.

“I wasted too much of my plate space early on, and now I’m paying for it,” said Schultz, shaking his head while looking down toward the plate he had loaded nearly to capacity. “I’d like to get one of those smaller end pieces of lasagna on there, but I don’t think I can even pull that off. What was I thinking?”

At press time, Schultz was at the end of the buffet, paralyzed with indecision as he attempted to choose between filling his remaining sliver of free plate space with a grilled bratwurst or pulled pork.

Food Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close