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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man In Kitchen Can’t Remember What He Got Married, Bought House, Had 3 Kids, And Came In Here For

PENSACOLA, FL—Taking a moment to focus and get his bearings, local man Pete Harrington reportedly stood in the middle of his kitchen Monday trying to remember what he got married, bought a house, had three kids, and went in there for. “Hold on, there has to be a reason I proposed to Michelle, spent $500,000 on a home, started a family, and opened the pantry,” Harrington reportedly said to himself, struggling to recall what he was thinking 10 years, eight years, seven years, and two minutes ago. “Okay, I gave up my life as a bachelor, found a stable 9-to-5 job, put down roots in the suburbs, and walked in here, but I just can’t put my finger on why—oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.” At press time, Harrington was carefully retracing his steps back to New Year’s Eve 2001.

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