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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man In Kitchen Can’t Remember What He Got Married, Bought House, Had 3 Kids, And Came In Here For

PENSACOLA, FL—Taking a moment to focus and get his bearings, local man Pete Harrington reportedly stood in the middle of his kitchen Monday trying to remember what he got married, bought a house, had three kids, and went in there for. “Hold on, there has to be a reason I proposed to Michelle, spent $500,000 on a home, started a family, and opened the pantry,” Harrington reportedly said to himself, struggling to recall what he was thinking 10 years, eight years, seven years, and two minutes ago. “Okay, I gave up my life as a bachelor, found a stable 9-to-5 job, put down roots in the suburbs, and walked in here, but I just can’t put my finger on why—oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.” At press time, Harrington was carefully retracing his steps back to New Year’s Eve 2001.

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