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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci

PITTSBURGH—Rick Hazell, a 29-year-old Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk and self-described "Christina Ricci nut," knows exactly what he would say if he were ever to meet the actress.

Hazell, who would be "totally cool about it" if he met Ricci (left).

"Most people who approach her, especially guys, probably do the whole panting-fanboy thing, but I'd be totally cool about it," Hazell said. "First off, I'd definitely focus on her indie stuff, like Buffalo '66 and The Opposite Of Sex, which I'm sure she'd appreciate since most people who say they're fans probably just want to talk about That Darn Cat and crap like that."

Added Hazell: "Every now and then, she has to do those big Hollywood things to pay the bills, because the stuff with integrity doesn't pay shit. One Small Soldiers pays for 30 Peckers."

Hazell has seen every one of Ricci's films, including Casper, Sleepy Hollow, and her first film, Mermaids.

"In Mermaids, even though she was really young—and the movie blew—she showed signs of future brilliance," said Hazell, who lists Ricci's performance in The Ice Storm as his favorite. "It takes a lot to be able to hold your own against someone like Cher when you're 10, but she did it."

Hazell stressed that he wouldn't tell her that if he met her, because he wouldn't want to seem like he was "sucking up."

Hazell said he has harbored a crush on the young actress ever since seeing her in Addams Family Values when she was just 13. If he met her, however, he would be coy about his attraction.

"I definitely wouldn't be all creepy and tell her I've thought she was hot ever since the second Addams Family movie," Hazell said. "In fact, I'd avoid telling her she was hot at all. I'd be much more subtle about it."

To ensure he doesn't come off like "some crazed stalker fan," Hazell said that if he ever met Ricci, he wouldn't let on just how much he knows about her.

"I'd definitely want to come off like an intelligent, knowledgeable fan," Hazell said. "But I wouldn't want to seem like one of those obsessive freakos. Like, I could ask her about getting her first producer credit on Pumpkin. Or what it was like to work with Ben Gazzara on Buffalo '66. That'd be fine. But if she happened to mention that she's an Aquarius, I'd be like, 'Oh, really?' Because if she knew that I knew her sign, that might come off weird."

Though he has given a lot of thought to what he would say to Ricci, Hazell has not devised a plan that would put him in close physical proximity to the actress.

"I really wouldn't want to force it," Hazell said. "I've never been to Hollywood, and she's probably not in Pittsburgh much. But who knows? Maybe she'll be on location shooting something here. A bunch of movies have been shot here, like Wonder Boys and that Bruce Willis movie Striking Distance, so crazier things have happened. Or maybe I'll run into her in an airport somewhere. The bottom line is, you can't artificially manufacture these things. When it happens, it happens. And it'll be great."

Added Hazell: "I hear she's got a nude scene in Prozac Nation. Oh, man."

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