Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci

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Vol 38 Issue 33

Taco Bell Employee Somehow Dressed Down By Manager

DETROIT—Improbably, Taco Bell employee Wayne Lorimer, 28, was dressed down by manager Cal Dyer Tuesday. "I thought I was already cut down to size just by working here," said Lorimer, a former Ford auto worker laid off earlier this year. "But Cal's lecture about paying more attention to the proper way to apply sour cream if I want to remain a valued member of the Taco Bell family, that managed to lower me even more." Lorimer said he thinks Dyer might be right out of high school.

Balloon Deliveryman Forced To Take Bus

BALTIMORE—His car in the shop, Balloon-O-Gram deliveryman Burt Girardi, 37, was forced to use public transit Tuesday. "Well, that was pleasant," Girardi said. "You haven't lived until you've sat on a jam-packed crosstown bus for 40 minutes holding an 18-balloon Birthday Bouquet while dressed in full Zorro regalia." Girardi added that teenagers today think they are so goddamn funny.

Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Senate softball team suffered its fourth straight defeat Tuesday, losing 11-4 to the Anchor Inn. "We were actually ahead in the second after [Sen.] Judd [Gregg (R-NH)] hit a two-run double," team captain Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) said. "But then, Anchor Inn scored six in the bottom of the inning, and the rout was on." For next week's game against Pitchers Pub, Ensign said he plans to move error-prone shortstop Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) to right field.

Man Has Mixed Feelings About $39 Flight

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Moments after saving hundreds of dollars on round-trip airfare from Atlanta to Los Angeles, Phillip Walden, 41, experienced mixed feelings about the bargain $39 Southwest Airlines flight. "What sort of corners would they have to cut to make a profit on that low a fare?" Walden wondered aloud after completing the Expedia.com purchase. "Would $39 from every passenger even cover the fuel?" For safety's sake, Walden resolved to buy the second-cheapest ticket available from now on.

You Call That Groveling?

Denison, you've been with the company 14 years now, and you've always been a real team player. Rarely a sick day, money with deadlines, a real can-do guy in the clutch. So how is it that you could have dropped the ball so badly on this one? I thought I could count on you for some real down-and-dirty begging and self-degradation when we told you we'd have to let you go as part of cost-cutting initiatives. We expected you to plead for your job back. But what you're doing is disappointing to say the least. You call that groveling?

I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon

When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and dearest friends, you are the kind of person whose nuptials I would not want to miss for all the world. However, as much as I want to be there when you take Beth as your wife, I regret to say that your Oct. 12 wedding falls square in the middle of the Prisoner marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

The 9/11 Anniversary

Wednesday marks the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. How are we commemorating the occasion?

Supreme Court Cock-Blocks Iowa Man

WASHINGTON, DC—By an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court cock-blocked Des Moines, IA, bar patron Jon Carmody Friday, severely curtailing his power to score with fellow bar-goer Megan Navarre. "Carmody's right to put the moves on Navarre does not and cannot be construed to supersede this court's right to hit on her, too," Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in the majority opinion. "That Carmody scored last weekend with that blonde girl at P.J.'s serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from Navarre."
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Man Knows Just What He'd Say If He Met Christina Ricci

PITTSBURGH—Rick Hazell, a 29-year-old Pittsburgh liquor-store clerk and self-described "Christina Ricci nut," knows exactly what he would say if he were ever to meet the actress.

Hazell, who would be "totally cool about it" if he met Ricci (left).

"Most people who approach her, especially guys, probably do the whole panting-fanboy thing, but I'd be totally cool about it," Hazell said. "First off, I'd definitely focus on her indie stuff, like Buffalo '66 and The Opposite Of Sex, which I'm sure she'd appreciate since most people who say they're fans probably just want to talk about That Darn Cat and crap like that."

Added Hazell: "Every now and then, she has to do those big Hollywood things to pay the bills, because the stuff with integrity doesn't pay shit. One Small Soldiers pays for 30 Peckers."

Hazell has seen every one of Ricci's films, including Casper, Sleepy Hollow, and her first film, Mermaids.

"In Mermaids, even though she was really young—and the movie blew—she showed signs of future brilliance," said Hazell, who lists Ricci's performance in The Ice Storm as his favorite. "It takes a lot to be able to hold your own against someone like Cher when you're 10, but she did it."

Hazell stressed that he wouldn't tell her that if he met her, because he wouldn't want to seem like he was "sucking up."

Hazell said he has harbored a crush on the young actress ever since seeing her in Addams Family Values when she was just 13. If he met her, however, he would be coy about his attraction.

"I definitely wouldn't be all creepy and tell her I've thought she was hot ever since the second Addams Family movie," Hazell said. "In fact, I'd avoid telling her she was hot at all. I'd be much more subtle about it."

To ensure he doesn't come off like "some crazed stalker fan," Hazell said that if he ever met Ricci, he wouldn't let on just how much he knows about her.

"I'd definitely want to come off like an intelligent, knowledgeable fan," Hazell said. "But I wouldn't want to seem like one of those obsessive freakos. Like, I could ask her about getting her first producer credit on Pumpkin. Or what it was like to work with Ben Gazzara on Buffalo '66. That'd be fine. But if she happened to mention that she's an Aquarius, I'd be like, 'Oh, really?' Because if she knew that I knew her sign, that might come off weird."

Though he has given a lot of thought to what he would say to Ricci, Hazell has not devised a plan that would put him in close physical proximity to the actress.

"I really wouldn't want to force it," Hazell said. "I've never been to Hollywood, and she's probably not in Pittsburgh much. But who knows? Maybe she'll be on location shooting something here. A bunch of movies have been shot here, like Wonder Boys and that Bruce Willis movie Striking Distance, so crazier things have happened. Or maybe I'll run into her in an airport somewhere. The bottom line is, you can't artificially manufacture these things. When it happens, it happens. And it'll be great."

Added Hazell: "I hear she's got a nude scene in Prozac Nation. Oh, man."

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