After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Man Knows Unsettling Amount About Nationwide Age-Of-Consent Laws

HAGERSTOWN, MD–During a conversation at work last Friday, drill-press operator Pete Cromartie revealed a disturbing familiarity with various states' age-of-consent laws. "I mentioned to Pete that I'd be visiting family in Pennsylvania over the weekend, and he says, 'You oughta pick up some chicks there, 'cause they only gotta be 16,'" coworker Geoff Richardson said. "Then he says, 'South Carolina's the best: 15.' I mean, that's seriously creepy." Richardson said he later heard Cromartie talk about a bill pending in the Hawaii legislature that would lower the state's age of consent to 13.

After Birth

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