adBlockCheck

Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her

WELLTON, AZ—Henry Leighty, a 32-year-old Arizona native and insurance claims adjuster, reportedly had such a huge crush on his girlfriend, Stacy Tompkins, 29, that he just had to marry her in a small ceremony Sunday which he totally dreams about every night when he goes to bed.

Insiders close to Leighty suggested that he probably wanted to marry her for, like, ever.

Leighty and Tompkins probably went right home to smooch and tickle each other after this.

"Stacy and I are so happy," said Leighty, who mailed dozens of embossed invitations with little birds and flowers on them months before the wedding to ensure no one would miss his extra-special afternoon of girl-kissing. "For our honeymoon, we're going to spend some time [Frenching] in Saint Lucia."

Leighty's parents, David and Kathy, attended the ceremony, as did Leighty's two sisters, brother, and super-special someone, Tompkins, whom he adores so much he had to get a priest to make them husband and wife forever and ever—just like he always wanted. To honor the event, Leighty wore a tailored Armani tuxedo, hired a local string quartet to perform the traditional wedding march, and actually held his girlfriend's hand at least twice. Gross.

According to Leighty, the couple began planning the wedding shortly after their engagement last June, when the lover boy finally admitted what everyone already knew: that he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with a girl.

"We had been dating for five years, and it seemed like the perfect time," Leighty said, while everybody puked. "She's a really great person."

After professing a bunch of sappy vows he probably actually meant, Leighty open-mouth kissed his bride in front of friends and family and nobody even tried to stop him.

Immediately following the ceremony, the wedding party moved to the nearby Wellton Country Club, where the new Mr. and Mrs. Leighty—blech—joined their guests in a celebration of the couple's disgusting feelings for each other with food, dancing, and making-out. Witnesses say Leighty also hired a wedding photographer to take pictures that would last for all eternity so the groom could go home later and practice kissing with them.

Best man Derek Heidel said he "couldn't be happier" for the couple, whom he first met during his undergraduate studies at the University of Arizona and apparently likes so much he should probably just marry both of them in some stupid three-way lovefest.

"The ceremony was beautiful," said Heidel, who is either blind or retarded if he didn't notice all the sick touching going on. "I felt so honored to be standing next to Henry at this important time in his life. I know they'll have a long and happy marriage together."

 Leighty, who witnesses claim they saw writing "Mr. and Mrs. Leighty" all over their joint checking account forms, said he "can't imagine" his life without Stacy. "She's got such a wonderful sense of humor," he said over and over as if anyone cared.

Leighty went on to say something like, "Ooh, this is my wife whom I love. I love her so much I want to marry her again because I love her so much, I do, I really do." He totally said that, reporters at the event swear to God.

Though the couple had initially planned to get married sometime this summer, the date was moved up to November because of Tompkin's mother's failing health. Despite some initial concerns that the couple would not be able to reschedule the event due to their hectic schedule of sitting in a tree and k-i-s-s-i-n-g, the two were able to successfully transition through the next phases of their courtship—love and marriage.

In analyzing relationships similar to the newly wedded couple's, experts predict that, within four to six months, Leighty and Tompkins are most likely going to do it, probably resulting in a baby in a baby carriage.

How gay.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close