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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed that while looking up at a skyscraper during his lunch break today, 29-year-old Kevin Nocera briefly thought about, well, you know. According to reports, Nocera’s gaze remained fixated on the top of the building as a flood of images from—um, yeah—raced through his head. Sources indicated that upon seeing a commercial airliner seemingly fly past the skyscraper, he briefly imagined exactly what you assume he imagined. At press time, Nocera reportedly sighed, shook his head, and went about the rest of his day.

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