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Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed that while looking up at a skyscraper during his lunch break today, 29-year-old Kevin Nocera briefly thought about, well, you know. According to reports, Nocera’s gaze remained fixated on the top of the building as a flood of images from—um, yeah—raced through his head. Sources indicated that upon seeing a commercial airliner seemingly fly past the skyscraper, he briefly imagined exactly what you assume he imagined. At press time, Nocera reportedly sighed, shook his head, and went about the rest of his day.

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