Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed that while looking up at a skyscraper during his lunch break today, 29-year-old Kevin Nocera briefly thought about, well, you know. According to reports, Nocera’s gaze remained fixated on the top of the building as a flood of images from—um, yeah—raced through his head. Sources indicated that upon seeing a commercial airliner seemingly fly past the skyscraper, he briefly imagined exactly what you assume he imagined. At press time, Nocera reportedly sighed, shook his head, and went about the rest of his day.