adBlockCheck

Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

Top Headlines

Recent News

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed that while looking up at a skyscraper during his lunch break today, 29-year-old Kevin Nocera briefly thought about, well, you know. According to reports, Nocera’s gaze remained fixated on the top of the building as a flood of images from—um, yeah—raced through his head. Sources indicated that upon seeing a commercial airliner seemingly fly past the skyscraper, he briefly imagined exactly what you assume he imagined. At press time, Nocera reportedly sighed, shook his head, and went about the rest of his day.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close