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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard

OMAHA, NE—Paralyzed with dread as he began to recognize the first few words of his acquaintance’s anecdote, local man Luke Grainger reportedly looked on helplessly Friday as friend Brent McKinnon relayed a story he’d already heard before. “It took me a second or two to realize that Brent had previously told me the story, but by the time I put it together there was nothing I could do to stop him,” said Grainger, who had no choice but to nod along as the several-minutes-long story unfolded in full for a second time. “It was really difficult to keep listening, especially because he used the exact same inflections and made the same pauses for emphasis this time around. I tried hinting that I already knew the story by finishing some of his sentences, but unfortunately it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything.” Grainger told reporters he ultimately decided that he might as well sit through the end of the anecdote since he didn’t pay attention the first time.

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