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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard

OMAHA, NE—Paralyzed with dread as he began to recognize the first few words of his acquaintance’s anecdote, local man Luke Grainger reportedly looked on helplessly Friday as friend Brent McKinnon relayed a story he’d already heard before. “It took me a second or two to realize that Brent had previously told me the story, but by the time I put it together there was nothing I could do to stop him,” said Grainger, who had no choice but to nod along as the several-minutes-long story unfolded in full for a second time. “It was really difficult to keep listening, especially because he used the exact same inflections and made the same pauses for emphasis this time around. I tried hinting that I already knew the story by finishing some of his sentences, but unfortunately it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything.” Grainger told reporters he ultimately decided that he might as well sit through the end of the anecdote since he didn’t pay attention the first time.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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