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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard

OMAHA, NE—Paralyzed with dread as he began to recognize the first few words of his acquaintance’s anecdote, local man Luke Grainger reportedly looked on helplessly Friday as friend Brent McKinnon relayed a story he’d already heard before. “It took me a second or two to realize that Brent had previously told me the story, but by the time I put it together there was nothing I could do to stop him,” said Grainger, who had no choice but to nod along as the several-minutes-long story unfolded in full for a second time. “It was really difficult to keep listening, especially because he used the exact same inflections and made the same pauses for emphasis this time around. I tried hinting that I already knew the story by finishing some of his sentences, but unfortunately it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything.” Grainger told reporters he ultimately decided that he might as well sit through the end of the anecdote since he didn’t pay attention the first time.

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