adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Looks On Helplessly As Friend Tells Him Story He’s Already Heard

OMAHA, NE—Paralyzed with dread as he began to recognize the first few words of his acquaintance’s anecdote, local man Luke Grainger reportedly looked on helplessly Friday as friend Brent McKinnon relayed a story he’d already heard before. “It took me a second or two to realize that Brent had previously told me the story, but by the time I put it together there was nothing I could do to stop him,” said Grainger, who had no choice but to nod along as the several-minutes-long story unfolded in full for a second time. “It was really difficult to keep listening, especially because he used the exact same inflections and made the same pauses for emphasis this time around. I tried hinting that I already knew the story by finishing some of his sentences, but unfortunately it was beyond my control. I couldn’t do anything.” Grainger told reporters he ultimately decided that he might as well sit through the end of the anecdote since he didn’t pay attention the first time.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close