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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers

‘This Was Something He Wanted To Do,’ Sources Confirm

SAN ANTONIO—According to sources, a man made the conscious decision this morning to film and upload a series of unsolicited online videos to YouTube explaining the installation process for surround sound speakers, an act of free will that was reportedly executed purely of the man’s own volition and was not motivated by any evident persuasion or coercion. “Without any prodding or discernible rationale for doing so, this man woke up this morning and, at some point during his daily routine, decided that setting aside the time to film and upload not one, but four nine-minute instructional videos about surround sound speaker calibration and placement was not only something he wanted to do with his day, but was in fact something that needed to be done at all,” said one viewer, who took care to point out that the videos were in no way ironic, nor were they intended as a promotional video for a audio electronics company, nor as part of a commercial venture of any kind whatsoever. “He chose a place in his apartment to film the videos, set up the camera, chose multiple angles to shoot from, edited the videos, added titles and graphics, uploaded them, and even prefaced his instruction with a brief overview of the five basic kinds of surround sound speakers. At no point does he appear to be under duress. This is something that he wanted to do, that he planned and executed with care, and that was in no way motivated by anything other than an apparently earnest and sincere desire to make an instructional video about surround sound speaker installation.” At press time, the videos had garnered 113 hits.

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