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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers

‘This Was Something He Wanted To Do,’ Sources Confirm

SAN ANTONIO—According to sources, a man made the conscious decision this morning to film and upload a series of unsolicited online videos to YouTube explaining the installation process for surround sound speakers, an act of free will that was reportedly executed purely of the man’s own volition and was not motivated by any evident persuasion or coercion. “Without any prodding or discernible rationale for doing so, this man woke up this morning and, at some point during his daily routine, decided that setting aside the time to film and upload not one, but four nine-minute instructional videos about surround sound speaker calibration and placement was not only something he wanted to do with his day, but was in fact something that needed to be done at all,” said one viewer, who took care to point out that the videos were in no way ironic, nor were they intended as a promotional video for a audio electronics company, nor as part of a commercial venture of any kind whatsoever. “He chose a place in his apartment to film the videos, set up the camera, chose multiple angles to shoot from, edited the videos, added titles and graphics, uploaded them, and even prefaced his instruction with a brief overview of the five basic kinds of surround sound speakers. At no point does he appear to be under duress. This is something that he wanted to do, that he planned and executed with care, and that was in no way motivated by anything other than an apparently earnest and sincere desire to make an instructional video about surround sound speaker installation.” At press time, the videos had garnered 113 hits.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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