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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers

‘This Was Something He Wanted To Do,’ Sources Confirm

SAN ANTONIO—According to sources, a man made the conscious decision this morning to film and upload a series of unsolicited online videos to YouTube explaining the installation process for surround sound speakers, an act of free will that was reportedly executed purely of the man’s own volition and was not motivated by any evident persuasion or coercion. “Without any prodding or discernible rationale for doing so, this man woke up this morning and, at some point during his daily routine, decided that setting aside the time to film and upload not one, but four nine-minute instructional videos about surround sound speaker calibration and placement was not only something he wanted to do with his day, but was in fact something that needed to be done at all,” said one viewer, who took care to point out that the videos were in no way ironic, nor were they intended as a promotional video for a audio electronics company, nor as part of a commercial venture of any kind whatsoever. “He chose a place in his apartment to film the videos, set up the camera, chose multiple angles to shoot from, edited the videos, added titles and graphics, uploaded them, and even prefaced his instruction with a brief overview of the five basic kinds of surround sound speakers. At no point does he appear to be under duress. This is something that he wanted to do, that he planned and executed with care, and that was in no way motivated by anything other than an apparently earnest and sincere desire to make an instructional video about surround sound speaker installation.” At press time, the videos had garnered 113 hits.

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