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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad

NEW YORK—Explaining that he wanted to lay the groundwork with a quick check-in to “see how they were doing,” local 24-year-old Grant Talbot reportedly made a phone call to his parents Friday so his call next week asking for money wouldn’t seem that bad. “Usually, I ask about a few things back home to soften them up before calling back a few days later to say I’m running low on cash,” said Talbot, who told reporters that the 17-minute conversation with his mother and father about topics such as recent family gatherings, kitchen renovations, and plans for the summer would significantly lessen the blow of next week’s request for $350 to help pay bills. “I mentioned a few things going on in my life and hinted that I’m thinking about coming home soon. That should really do the trick so it doesn’t seem like every call is just about money.” At press time, Talbot’s parents had already written out the check to send their son in anticipation of his inevitable follow-up call asking for money.

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