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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Makes Quick Call To Parents So Next Week’s Call To Ask For Money Doesn’t Seem That Bad

NEW YORK—Explaining that he wanted to lay the groundwork with a quick check-in to “see how they were doing,” local 24-year-old Grant Talbot reportedly made a phone call to his parents Friday so his call next week asking for money wouldn’t seem that bad. “Usually, I ask about a few things back home to soften them up before calling back a few days later to say I’m running low on cash,” said Talbot, who told reporters that the 17-minute conversation with his mother and father about topics such as recent family gatherings, kitchen renovations, and plans for the summer would significantly lessen the blow of next week’s request for $350 to help pay bills. “I mentioned a few things going on in my life and hinted that I’m thinking about coming home soon. That should really do the trick so it doesn’t seem like every call is just about money.” At press time, Talbot’s parents had already written out the check to send their son in anticipation of his inevitable follow-up call asking for money.

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