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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

After Birth

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