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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It’s Out, Driving Home

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Shortly after streaming a movie through his Netflix account earlier today, local man Brian Larson, 32, fondly recalled a simpler, more joyful time when he would go to his local video rental store, browse for a particular movie, find out it wasn’t available, and then drive home and find something else to do. “It was just a different experience walking into a cozy, independently run store and having someone tell you, sorry, they just rented out the last copy of the movie you really wanted to watch,” said Larson, adding that while he fully appreciated being able to immediately watch virtually any movie title on his laptop, he “occasionally misses” his Friday night routine of driving to a video store and then driving back home in disappointment 10 minutes later after failing to secure one of the store’s five copies of a new release. “Sometimes you could even see special recommendations made by video store employees, only to realize they don’t have any copies of those movies left either. It’s just the type of experience you’ll never get online.” At press time, Larson’s pangs of nostalgia were somewhat fulfilled when he found out the 2006 film The Prestige was not available to be streamed.

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