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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Needs Verbal Assurance That Hand Stamp Will Get Him Back In

ZANESVILLE, OH—As he hesitantly prepared to exit the grounds of the Zanesville Summer Street Fest Sunday afternoon, local man Brad Ackerman reportedly required explicit verbal assurance from the event’s admissions staff that his hand stamp would in fact get him back into the festival without any difficulty. “So, I’m not gonna have to pay the five bucks again when I come back, right?” Ackerman asked a gate attendant while gesturing toward the light purple dot he received on the back of his left hand. “And I won’t have to stand in line a second time. I’ll be able to show you or whoever else my stamp, and I can just walk back in, no problem? Okay, just wanted to make sure.” According to sources, Ackerman ultimately did not return to the festival.

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