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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Needs Verbal Assurance That Hand Stamp Will Get Him Back In

ZANESVILLE, OH—As he hesitantly prepared to exit the grounds of the Zanesville Summer Street Fest Sunday afternoon, local man Brad Ackerman reportedly required explicit verbal assurance from the event’s admissions staff that his hand stamp would in fact get him back into the festival without any difficulty. “So, I’m not gonna have to pay the five bucks again when I come back, right?” Ackerman asked a gate attendant while gesturing toward the light purple dot he received on the back of his left hand. “And I won’t have to stand in line a second time. I’ll be able to show you or whoever else my stamp, and I can just walk back in, no problem? Okay, just wanted to make sure.” According to sources, Ackerman ultimately did not return to the festival.

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