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Best Of October 2015

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
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Man With No Real-Life Career Goals Knows Exact Job He’d Want In Harry Potter Universe

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Noting that he had spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the matter, sources confirmed Friday that 28-year-old local man Nathan Whalen, who has no real-life career goals whatsoever, knows exactly which job he’d want in the Harry Potter universe. “I definitely think I would be a wandmaker, because I like working with my hands and I consider myself a pretty good judge of character,” said Whalen, who has reportedly bounced around a number of entry-level positions over the past several years without devoting any thought at all to his long-term career prospects. “I used to want to be a potions master, but I think all those exact measurements would get kind of tedious after a while. Though, obviously, it would be great to have an office in the dungeon.” At press time, the man who has no clue how to change the oil in his car was speaking at length about the differences between the Nimbus 2000 and Cleansweep Seven broomstick models.


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