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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Man Not Accepting Any More Television Recommendations At This Time

CINCINNATI—Issuing the proclamation directly to friends and family Wednesday afternoon, local man Sean Patterson officially announced he is no longer accepting television series recommendations at this time. “While I am grateful for all of the input I have received in recent weeks, I must regretfully inform you that the window for offering new televised programming suggestions for me to watch has officially closed,” said the 43-year-old, adding that, as of noon today, no further titles of network, cable, or online streaming shows would be considered for potential viewing, no matter how star-studded or critically acclaimed. “I might seek input regarding new televised content to watch in the future, at which point I will make a public announcement alerting all concerned parties of my intention to find a new show to watch, and I will urge you all to resubmit your recommendations for any police procedurals, comedies, and true crime miniseries you think I’ll enjoy. However, until that time, I will be unable to process any further television consumption proposals. Thank you for your understanding on this matter.” At press time, Patterson had temporarily lifted his TV recommendation moratorium after abandoning his sister Lynn’s suggestion of Designated Survivor one and a half episodes in.

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