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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials

ST. LOUIS—Hollywood officials removed David Sinclair, 24, from the AMC Esquire 7's 9 p.m. showing of The Time Traveler's Wife Monday for failing to meet the minimum gender, age, and socioeconomic status requirements set forth in new guidelines to ensure marketing is reflected in movie audiences. "Looks like this punk is a little too young and a little too male to be here," said Toby Emmerich, president of New Line Cinema, who spotted Sinclair trying to discretely watch the film from the back of the theater. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that a romantic thriller starring Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana is for professional women aged 26 to 40 who make between $45,000 and $60,000 a year?" Despite Sinclair's promises that he would buy a Coke and popcorn, officials escorted the single, college-educated city-dweller out of the theater complex and issued him a $1,500 fine.

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