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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials

ST. LOUIS—Hollywood officials removed David Sinclair, 24, from the AMC Esquire 7's 9 p.m. showing of The Time Traveler's Wife Monday for failing to meet the minimum gender, age, and socioeconomic status requirements set forth in new guidelines to ensure marketing is reflected in movie audiences. "Looks like this punk is a little too young and a little too male to be here," said Toby Emmerich, president of New Line Cinema, who spotted Sinclair trying to discretely watch the film from the back of the theater. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that a romantic thriller starring Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana is for professional women aged 26 to 40 who make between $45,000 and $60,000 a year?" Despite Sinclair's promises that he would buy a Coke and popcorn, officials escorted the single, college-educated city-dweller out of the theater complex and issued him a $1,500 fine.

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