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Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are

DES MOINES, IA—After nearly two years of employment at Ludnick Publishing, Doug Glickman literally does not know the name of a single one of his 11 coworkers, the 35-year-old department manager admitted to reporters Monday. “There’s this one guy I’ve been going to lunch with for like a year now, and I honestly have no idea what his first or last name is,” Glickman whispered from the employee break room, out of earshot of two coworkers he referred to as “the Hispanic woman” and “the bald mustache guy.” “I can get through Mondays by asking everyone, ‘Hey, man, how was your weekend?’ After that, I usually just stick to calling everybody ‘buddy’ or ‘big guy.’ There’s also this one really quiet assistant I always call ‘chief’ and then give this little pretend salute to. That’s probably as good as using his name, right?” Glickman added that he had recently been on a couple of dates with a coworker whose number appears in his cell phone under “Girl with short hair and glasses who sits in cubicle next to where the printer is.”

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