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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Not Certain What Any Of His Coworkers' Names Are

DES MOINES, IA—After nearly two years of employment at Ludnick Publishing, Doug Glickman literally does not know the name of a single one of his 11 coworkers, the 35-year-old department manager admitted to reporters Monday. “There’s this one guy I’ve been going to lunch with for like a year now, and I honestly have no idea what his first or last name is,” Glickman whispered from the employee break room, out of earshot of two coworkers he referred to as “the Hispanic woman” and “the bald mustache guy.” “I can get through Mondays by asking everyone, ‘Hey, man, how was your weekend?’ After that, I usually just stick to calling everybody ‘buddy’ or ‘big guy.’ There’s also this one really quiet assistant I always call ‘chief’ and then give this little pretend salute to. That’s probably as good as using his name, right?” Glickman added that he had recently been on a couple of dates with a coworker whose number appears in his cell phone under “Girl with short hair and glasses who sits in cubicle next to where the printer is.”

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