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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head

NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head. “I can see right through Lindsay’s tricks, and I know this display of slowly getting over our relationship over a period of weeks and months is just her way of trying to get to me,” said Snyder, 28, adding that “her plan totally backfired” if former girlfriend Lindsay Mendez thought gradually reconnecting with long-neglected friends in her newfound free time was going to make him crazy. “She’s doing this whole big production of emotionally moving on bit by bit and eventually dipping her toes into casual dating when it finally feels right just to get a rise out of me. But I’m not taking the bait. In fact, I kind of feel sorry for her.” At press time, Mendez had posted a picture from her bachelorette party, and Snyder could only shake his head at the lengths she would go to just to get under his skin.

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