Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head

NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head. “I can see right through Lindsay’s tricks, and I know this display of slowly getting over our relationship over a period of weeks and months is just her way of trying to get to me,” said Snyder, 28, adding that “her plan totally backfired” if former girlfriend Lindsay Mendez thought gradually reconnecting with long-neglected friends in her newfound free time was going to make him crazy. “She’s doing this whole big production of emotionally moving on bit by bit and eventually dipping her toes into casual dating when it finally feels right just to get a rise out of me. But I’m not taking the bait. In fact, I kind of feel sorry for her.” At press time, Mendez had posted a picture from her bachelorette party, and Snyder could only shake his head at the lengths she would go to just to get under his skin.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.