Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head

NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head. “I can see right through Lindsay’s tricks, and I know this display of slowly getting over our relationship over a period of weeks and months is just her way of trying to get to me,” said Snyder, 28, adding that “her plan totally backfired” if former girlfriend Lindsay Mendez thought gradually reconnecting with long-neglected friends in her newfound free time was going to make him crazy. “She’s doing this whole big production of emotionally moving on bit by bit and eventually dipping her toes into casual dating when it finally feels right just to get a rise out of me. But I’m not taking the bait. In fact, I kind of feel sorry for her.” At press time, Mendez had posted a picture from her bachelorette party, and Snyder could only shake his head at the lengths she would go to just to get under his skin.

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