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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Man Not Going To Let Mind Games Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Natural Moving-On Process Get In His Head

NEW YORK—Saying her manipulative tactics weren’t going to faze him one bit, local man Brett Snyder told reporters Tuesday that he wasn’t about to let the mind games of his ex-girlfriend’s natural moving-on process mess with his head. “I can see right through Lindsay’s tricks, and I know this display of slowly getting over our relationship over a period of weeks and months is just her way of trying to get to me,” said Snyder, 28, adding that “her plan totally backfired” if former girlfriend Lindsay Mendez thought gradually reconnecting with long-neglected friends in her newfound free time was going to make him crazy. “She’s doing this whole big production of emotionally moving on bit by bit and eventually dipping her toes into casual dating when it finally feels right just to get a rise out of me. But I’m not taking the bait. In fact, I kind of feel sorry for her.” At press time, Mendez had posted a picture from her bachelorette party, and Snyder could only shake his head at the lengths she would go to just to get under his skin.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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