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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die

VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning before I’ve downed five or six cups of coffee, my forehead is drenched in sweat, and my internal organs feel like they are starting to disintegrate,” said Howell, adding that only when he’s consumed enough coffee so that his heart is pounding and at least one eyelid is twitching does he feel like he’s operating at 100 percent. “I don’t know how people who don’t consume an entire pot of coffee by themselves and begin suffering full-body tremors do it. I’m just not me until I’m plagued by painful acid reflux, excruciating headaches, and persistent concerns that I should call an ambulance immediately.” Howell also told reporters that he often has trouble socializing with his coworkers outside the office unless he drinks enough whiskey to black out for the entire night.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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