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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die

VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning before I’ve downed five or six cups of coffee, my forehead is drenched in sweat, and my internal organs feel like they are starting to disintegrate,” said Howell, adding that only when he’s consumed enough coffee so that his heart is pounding and at least one eyelid is twitching does he feel like he’s operating at 100 percent. “I don’t know how people who don’t consume an entire pot of coffee by themselves and begin suffering full-body tremors do it. I’m just not me until I’m plagued by painful acid reflux, excruciating headaches, and persistent concerns that I should call an ambulance immediately.” Howell also told reporters that he often has trouble socializing with his coworkers outside the office unless he drinks enough whiskey to black out for the entire night.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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