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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die

VINELAND, NJ—Saying that he doesn’t function properly unless he’s completely jittery and suffering from nausea, local claims adjuster Spencer Howell told reporters Monday that he’s not his normal self until he has too many cups of coffee and feels like he could die at any second. “I’m totally useless in the morning before I’ve downed five or six cups of coffee, my forehead is drenched in sweat, and my internal organs feel like they are starting to disintegrate,” said Howell, adding that only when he’s consumed enough coffee so that his heart is pounding and at least one eyelid is twitching does he feel like he’s operating at 100 percent. “I don’t know how people who don’t consume an entire pot of coffee by themselves and begin suffering full-body tremors do it. I’m just not me until I’m plagued by painful acid reflux, excruciating headaches, and persistent concerns that I should call an ambulance immediately.” Howell also told reporters that he often has trouble socializing with his coworkers outside the office unless he drinks enough whiskey to black out for the entire night.

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