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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Marketing

Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—An online listing for a job at area marketing firm BizKo Solutions has left local man Ryan Urlich unsure whether he is truly dynamic enough to qualify for the position, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m willing to work in a fast-paced, deadline-oriented environment, sure, but am I really a dynamic self-starter?” said the 29-year-old college graduate, adding that this is the first time he’s ever considered whether he’s “a results-driven, high-energy ‘A’ player capable of providing cutting-edge insights.” “I suppose I can reimagine a brand, but can I go into a job interview, look someone in the eye, and tell them I’m a strong strategic thinker with the creative vision to drive brand awareness in an increasingly global marketplace? I don’t know if I can.” According to reports, Urlich ultimately decided not to apply for the job, saying he needed to take a few days to “really stop and think” about how dynamic he truly is so that he doesn’t waste anyone at BizKo’s time.


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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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