Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards

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Vol 50 Issue 23

Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults

According to a decade-long study that tracked hundreds of teenagers into adulthood, students who were considered “cool kids” in middle school turned out to have more problems as adults, such as substance abuse and criminal behavior.

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

After drawing criticism for prohibiting photos of breastfeeding mothers under its no-nipples policy, Facebook has quietly lifted the ban and started allowing mothers to post breastfeeding photos without risk of removal, though all other pictures of nipple...

God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window

States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Personal Finance

Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards

HENDERSON, NV—Aghast at the hulking, shapeless being that lurched toward the registers, cashiers at the local Green Valley Parkway’s Walgreens confirmed Thursday that the soulless mass shambling down the aisle was nothing but a lumbering golem of rewards cards. “Do you have a Balance Rewards card with us, sir?” said cashier Matt Hershlag, 25, before scanning one of the loosely hanging cards that formed the body of the immense supernatural creature who, sources confirmed, was more plastic and barcodes than man. “Thanks. That’ll be $8.49.” At press time, the towering anthropomorphic heap of loyalty cards had paused to search his Sprite bottle purchase for a My Coke Rewards product code in hopes of winning a free six-pack.

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