Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards

HENDERSON, NV—Aghast at the hulking, shapeless being that lurched toward the registers, cashiers at the local Green Valley Parkway’s Walgreens confirmed Thursday that the soulless mass shambling down the aisle was nothing but a lumbering golem of rewards cards. “Do you have a Balance Rewards card with us, sir?” said cashier Matt Hershlag, 25, before scanning one of the loosely hanging cards that formed the body of the immense supernatural creature who, sources confirmed, was more plastic and barcodes than man. “Thanks. That’ll be $8.49.” At press time, the towering anthropomorphic heap of loyalty cards had paused to search his Sprite bottle purchase for a My Coke Rewards product code in hopes of winning a free six-pack.

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