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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards

HENDERSON, NV—Aghast at the hulking, shapeless being that lurched toward the registers, cashiers at the local Green Valley Parkway’s Walgreens confirmed Thursday that the soulless mass shambling down the aisle was nothing but a lumbering golem of rewards cards. “Do you have a Balance Rewards card with us, sir?” said cashier Matt Hershlag, 25, before scanning one of the loosely hanging cards that formed the body of the immense supernatural creature who, sources confirmed, was more plastic and barcodes than man. “Thanks. That’ll be $8.49.” At press time, the towering anthropomorphic heap of loyalty cards had paused to search his Sprite bottle purchase for a My Coke Rewards product code in hopes of winning a free six-pack.

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