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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards

HENDERSON, NV—Aghast at the hulking, shapeless being that lurched toward the registers, cashiers at the local Green Valley Parkway’s Walgreens confirmed Thursday that the soulless mass shambling down the aisle was nothing but a lumbering golem of rewards cards. “Do you have a Balance Rewards card with us, sir?” said cashier Matt Hershlag, 25, before scanning one of the loosely hanging cards that formed the body of the immense supernatural creature who, sources confirmed, was more plastic and barcodes than man. “Thanks. That’ll be $8.49.” At press time, the towering anthropomorphic heap of loyalty cards had paused to search his Sprite bottle purchase for a My Coke Rewards product code in hopes of winning a free six-pack.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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