adBlockCheck

Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his siblings. “The last date I went on was going pretty well for a while, but then she just asked me point-blank if I had any brothers and sisters and I totally froze up—I didn’t know what to do,” said Firks, adding that while he had anticipated conversations about his career, background, and personal interests, he stuttered and “drew a total blank” when it came to saying anything specific in regard to his siblings. “The night was pretty much all downhill from there. This time, though, I’m gonna nail it: I have a younger sister, Sarah, who goes to law school at Duke. I have an older brother, Darren, who’s a pharmaceutical sales rep in Phoenix with a wife and two kids.” At press time, Firks had ruined the date by overeagerly blurting out the information about his siblings in a brisk and heavily rehearsed manner.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close