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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his siblings. “The last date I went on was going pretty well for a while, but then she just asked me point-blank if I had any brothers and sisters and I totally froze up—I didn’t know what to do,” said Firks, adding that while he had anticipated conversations about his career, background, and personal interests, he stuttered and “drew a total blank” when it came to saying anything specific in regard to his siblings. “The night was pretty much all downhill from there. This time, though, I’m gonna nail it: I have a younger sister, Sarah, who goes to law school at Duke. I have an older brother, Darren, who’s a pharmaceutical sales rep in Phoenix with a wife and two kids.” At press time, Firks had ruined the date by overeagerly blurting out the information about his siblings in a brisk and heavily rehearsed manner.

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