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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his siblings. “The last date I went on was going pretty well for a while, but then she just asked me point-blank if I had any brothers and sisters and I totally froze up—I didn’t know what to do,” said Firks, adding that while he had anticipated conversations about his career, background, and personal interests, he stuttered and “drew a total blank” when it came to saying anything specific in regard to his siblings. “The night was pretty much all downhill from there. This time, though, I’m gonna nail it: I have a younger sister, Sarah, who goes to law school at Duke. I have an older brother, Darren, who’s a pharmaceutical sales rep in Phoenix with a wife and two kids.” At press time, Firks had ruined the date by overeagerly blurting out the information about his siblings in a brisk and heavily rehearsed manner.

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