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Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

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FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

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Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

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Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

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Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding

SAN DIEGO—Mel Carr, an engulfed-in-flames San Diego real-estate broker, made a public plea to Congress Monday, urging legislators to increase funding for the study and prevention of human combustion.

Mel Carr.

"Like most Americans, I thought the dangers posed by inadequate flame-retardation in the clothing I wear and materials around me was minimal to non-existent," Carr said. "Only now, when it is too late to save myself, do I realize that we can–and must–do more to protect ourselves from needless combustion."

Carr first burst into flames April 20, when a spark from a cigarette landed on the sportcoat he was wearing, igniting the 37-year-old. In the weeks since, Carr has become a passionate fire-safety crusader, writing letters to politicians, organizing petitions, and speaking to schoolchildren about ways to reduce the risk of burning alive.

His hair and skin long gone, the ash-pile to-be implored Congress to "act now before others suffer my fate" and recommended a $30 million allocation over five years for the development of safer, more flame-retardant fabrics and building materials.

"If only the jacket I was wearing were made of flame-retardant fibers, I would not be standing before you today on fire," said Carr, the remains of his body fat stoking the living candle that is his body.

Added Carr: "The stench of my burning flesh may be shocking, but it is not nearly as shocking as the fact that, in the past 20 years, no new efforts have been made by American textile manufacturers to reduce the flammability of the clothes we wear."

For his tireless campaigning on behalf of burning Americans, Carr has been honored with the Presidential Citation For Courage. The prestigious award was last given to stabbed-person advocate Vincent Gossage, who was stabbed with a steak knife throughout the early 1990s and became a champion of people who are being stabbed.

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