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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding

SAN DIEGO—Mel Carr, an engulfed-in-flames San Diego real-estate broker, made a public plea to Congress Monday, urging legislators to increase funding for the study and prevention of human combustion.

Mel Carr.

"Like most Americans, I thought the dangers posed by inadequate flame-retardation in the clothing I wear and materials around me was minimal to non-existent," Carr said. "Only now, when it is too late to save myself, do I realize that we can–and must–do more to protect ourselves from needless combustion."

Carr first burst into flames April 20, when a spark from a cigarette landed on the sportcoat he was wearing, igniting the 37-year-old. In the weeks since, Carr has become a passionate fire-safety crusader, writing letters to politicians, organizing petitions, and speaking to schoolchildren about ways to reduce the risk of burning alive.

His hair and skin long gone, the ash-pile to-be implored Congress to "act now before others suffer my fate" and recommended a $30 million allocation over five years for the development of safer, more flame-retardant fabrics and building materials.

"If only the jacket I was wearing were made of flame-retardant fibers, I would not be standing before you today on fire," said Carr, the remains of his body fat stoking the living candle that is his body.

Added Carr: "The stench of my burning flesh may be shocking, but it is not nearly as shocking as the fact that, in the past 20 years, no new efforts have been made by American textile manufacturers to reduce the flammability of the clothes we wear."

For his tireless campaigning on behalf of burning Americans, Carr has been honored with the Presidential Citation For Courage. The prestigious award was last given to stabbed-person advocate Vincent Gossage, who was stabbed with a steak knife throughout the early 1990s and became a champion of people who are being stabbed.

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