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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Man On Fire Calls For Increased Flame-Retardant Funding

SAN DIEGO—Mel Carr, an engulfed-in-flames San Diego real-estate broker, made a public plea to Congress Monday, urging legislators to increase funding for the study and prevention of human combustion.

Mel Carr.

"Like most Americans, I thought the dangers posed by inadequate flame-retardation in the clothing I wear and materials around me was minimal to non-existent," Carr said. "Only now, when it is too late to save myself, do I realize that we can–and must–do more to protect ourselves from needless combustion."

Carr first burst into flames April 20, when a spark from a cigarette landed on the sportcoat he was wearing, igniting the 37-year-old. In the weeks since, Carr has become a passionate fire-safety crusader, writing letters to politicians, organizing petitions, and speaking to schoolchildren about ways to reduce the risk of burning alive.

His hair and skin long gone, the ash-pile to-be implored Congress to "act now before others suffer my fate" and recommended a $30 million allocation over five years for the development of safer, more flame-retardant fabrics and building materials.

"If only the jacket I was wearing were made of flame-retardant fibers, I would not be standing before you today on fire," said Carr, the remains of his body fat stoking the living candle that is his body.

Added Carr: "The stench of my burning flesh may be shocking, but it is not nearly as shocking as the fact that, in the past 20 years, no new efforts have been made by American textile manufacturers to reduce the flammability of the clothes we wear."

For his tireless campaigning on behalf of burning Americans, Carr has been honored with the Presidential Citation For Courage. The prestigious award was last given to stabbed-person advocate Vincent Gossage, who was stabbed with a steak knife throughout the early 1990s and became a champion of people who are being stabbed.

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