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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
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Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House

CHICAGO—Seeking to ensure a second date with local woman Rebecca Murphy, marketing analyst Mark Klinger cleverly removed his right pinky finger during their date Saturday evening and intentionally left it between cushions in Murphy’s living room sofa, the 29-year-old confirmed to reporters this morning. “I could tell as soon as I met Rebecca that I wanted to see her again, so when she got up to get a drink, I quickly chopped off my finger, tucked it into her couch, and then kept my hand in my pocket for the rest of the night so she wouldn’t notice anything,” said Klinger, explaining that he initially considered cutting off one of his legs and slipping it underneath the coffee table, but ultimately decided that Murphy might realize he was missing something when he got up to leave. “It’s the perfect plan. Now all I have to do to is call her and ask, ‘Did I leave one of my fingers at your house?’ and I’m guaranteed to see her again. Even if she says she hasn’t seen it, I can say, ‘Well, one of my fingers is gone and the last time I saw it was at your place.’ I really can’t lose.” At press time, an uninterested Murphy told Klinger that she would just leave the severed digit outside her front door for him to pick up while she was at work.

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