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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House

CHICAGO—Seeking to ensure a second date with local woman Rebecca Murphy, marketing analyst Mark Klinger cleverly removed his right pinky finger during their date Saturday evening and intentionally left it between cushions in Murphy’s living room sofa, the 29-year-old confirmed to reporters this morning. “I could tell as soon as I met Rebecca that I wanted to see her again, so when she got up to get a drink, I quickly chopped off my finger, tucked it into her couch, and then kept my hand in my pocket for the rest of the night so she wouldn’t notice anything,” said Klinger, explaining that he initially considered cutting off one of his legs and slipping it underneath the coffee table, but ultimately decided that Murphy might realize he was missing something when he got up to leave. “It’s the perfect plan. Now all I have to do to is call her and ask, ‘Did I leave one of my fingers at your house?’ and I’m guaranteed to see her again. Even if she says she hasn’t seen it, I can say, ‘Well, one of my fingers is gone and the last time I saw it was at your place.’ I really can’t lose.” At press time, an uninterested Murphy told Klinger that she would just leave the severed digit outside her front door for him to pick up while she was at work.

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