adBlockCheck

Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

Streaming

Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House

CHICAGO—Seeking to ensure a second date with local woman Rebecca Murphy, marketing analyst Mark Klinger cleverly removed his right pinky finger during their date Saturday evening and intentionally left it between cushions in Murphy’s living room sofa, the 29-year-old confirmed to reporters this morning. “I could tell as soon as I met Rebecca that I wanted to see her again, so when she got up to get a drink, I quickly chopped off my finger, tucked it into her couch, and then kept my hand in my pocket for the rest of the night so she wouldn’t notice anything,” said Klinger, explaining that he initially considered cutting off one of his legs and slipping it underneath the coffee table, but ultimately decided that Murphy might realize he was missing something when he got up to leave. “It’s the perfect plan. Now all I have to do to is call her and ask, ‘Did I leave one of my fingers at your house?’ and I’m guaranteed to see her again. Even if she says she hasn’t seen it, I can say, ‘Well, one of my fingers is gone and the last time I saw it was at your place.’ I really can’t lose.” At press time, an uninterested Murphy told Klinger that she would just leave the severed digit outside her front door for him to pick up while she was at work.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close