Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Fantasy Sports

Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages

KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he hadn’t arranged for anyone to feed his hostages while he was out of town. “Oh man, I was in such a hurry to hit the road, I totally forgot to have someone come over to my place and make sure Dennis, Jean, and Carly get their daily meal,” Lawson told reporters, referring to his three neglected captives, one of whom, their captor lamented, had nobody to administer her insulin shots. “Just thinking about them all alone and scared, locked in their cages, not knowing if I’ll ever come back—it makes me feel awful. I don’t even think there’s any water in their bowls. I should probably call a buddy to go over and check in on them.” Lawson said he was hoping to avoid a repeat of last winter when he accidentally left his hostages tied up in the backyard, whereupon they died of exposure and he had to get new ones.