Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 04

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages

KEY WEST, FL—Midway through his weeklong Florida vacation, Salt Lake City resident Travis Lawson reportedly panicked today upon suddenly realizing he hadn’t arranged for anyone to feed his hostages while he was out of town. “Oh man, I was in such a hurry to hit the road, I totally forgot to have someone come over to my place and make sure Dennis, Jean, and Carly get their daily meal,” Lawson told reporters, referring to his three neglected captives, one of whom, their captor lamented, had nobody to administer her insulin shots. “Just thinking about them all alone and scared, locked in their cages, not knowing if I’ll ever come back—it makes me feel awful. I don’t even think there’s any water in their bowls. I should probably call a buddy to go over and check in on them.” Lawson said he was hoping to avoid a repeat of last winter when he accidentally left his hostages tied up in the backyard, whereupon they died of exposure and he had to get new ones.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More