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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor

DANVILLE, KY—Saying that he doesn’t want any of “that crap made in foreign countries,” local man Doug Adelwright, 47, confirmed Tuesday that he only buys products manufactured right here in the United States by underpaid immigrant laborers. “I always buy American, because I believe in supporting businesses that don’t move their factories overseas and instead employ illegal migrant workers to make things here at home,” said Adelwright, adding that you’ll never see a “made in Bangladesh” tag inside any of his shirts, because his clothes are made exclusively under U.S. sweatshop conditions. “Why should I buy stuff made by exploited foreigners in another country when I can buy stuff made by exploited foreigners who work on American soil? Look, I don’t want my purchasing dollars to go straight to some other country; I want my money going to good, honest workers here in the United States who then immediately send the money to their families back in other countries.” Adelwright also told reporters that he would choose the craftsmanship of a human-trafficking victim smuggled into the United States over the craftsmanship of a worker in a foreign country “any day of the week.”

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