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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor

DANVILLE, KY—Saying that he doesn’t want any of “that crap made in foreign countries,” local man Doug Adelwright, 47, confirmed Tuesday that he only buys products manufactured right here in the United States by underpaid immigrant laborers. “I always buy American, because I believe in supporting businesses that don’t move their factories overseas and instead employ illegal migrant workers to make things here at home,” said Adelwright, adding that you’ll never see a “made in Bangladesh” tag inside any of his shirts, because his clothes are made exclusively under U.S. sweatshop conditions. “Why should I buy stuff made by exploited foreigners in another country when I can buy stuff made by exploited foreigners who work on American soil? Look, I don’t want my purchasing dollars to go straight to some other country; I want my money going to good, honest workers here in the United States who then immediately send the money to their families back in other countries.” Adelwright also told reporters that he would choose the craftsmanship of a human-trafficking victim smuggled into the United States over the craftsmanship of a worker in a foreign country “any day of the week.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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