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Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Only Buys Products Made Right Here In The USA By Cheap Immigrant Labor

DANVILLE, KY—Saying that he doesn’t want any of “that crap made in foreign countries,” local man Doug Adelwright, 47, confirmed Tuesday that he only buys products manufactured right here in the United States by underpaid immigrant laborers. “I always buy American, because I believe in supporting businesses that don’t move their factories overseas and instead employ illegal migrant workers to make things here at home,” said Adelwright, adding that you’ll never see a “made in Bangladesh” tag inside any of his shirts, because his clothes are made exclusively under U.S. sweatshop conditions. “Why should I buy stuff made by exploited foreigners in another country when I can buy stuff made by exploited foreigners who work on American soil? Look, I don’t want my purchasing dollars to go straight to some other country; I want my money going to good, honest workers here in the United States who then immediately send the money to their families back in other countries.” Adelwright also told reporters that he would choose the craftsmanship of a human-trafficking victim smuggled into the United States over the craftsmanship of a worker in a foreign country “any day of the week.”

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