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Marketing

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Marketing

Man Only Has Himself To Blame For What’s In Targeted Banner Ad

ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging that he must accept the consequences of his actions, local 37-year-old Christopher McGwire told reporters Monday that he has no one else to blame but himself for the targeted pool toy advertisements that have been regularly appearing in his browser window over the past two weeks. “As annoying and invasive as these banner ads are, I have to admit that I’m the one who looked at a few inflatable inner tubes a few weekends back,” said McGwire, who first began to see the swim-related banner ads after aimlessly browsing the selection of dive sticks and floating ride-on toys at the online store of a pool supplies retailer last month. “Honestly, I can’t say that I didn’t sort of ask to see pictures of pool noodles, swim floaties, and light-up beach balls every time I go online. It’s my own fault, really, and I just have to deal with it.” McGwire, who confirmed that he often clicks on untrustworthy links, admitted that he probably deserves to deal with his laptop’s slow computer speed as well.

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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