adBlockCheck

Local

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that 28-year-old graphic designer Gerald Lawler experienced an anxiety attack following the realization that he was the same age as his parents when they prematurely started a family. “By this time, my parents were already raising a child and had backed themselves into working a job they hated just to make ends meet,” said Lawler, anxiously comparing his current apartment to the tract home whose mortgage his parents are still paying off. “Pretty soon I’ll be 30. Dad had already left Mom when he was 33. I’d better get a move on.” Lawler added, however, that he’s already much more experienced with therapy and antidepressants than his parents were at 28.

More from this section

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close