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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that 28-year-old graphic designer Gerald Lawler experienced an anxiety attack following the realization that he was the same age as his parents when they prematurely started a family. “By this time, my parents were already raising a child and had backed themselves into working a job they hated just to make ends meet,” said Lawler, anxiously comparing his current apartment to the tract home whose mortgage his parents are still paying off. “Pretty soon I’ll be 30. Dad had already left Mom when he was 33. I’d better get a move on.” Lawler added, however, that he’s already much more experienced with therapy and antidepressants than his parents were at 28.

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