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Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sources confirmed Wednesday that 28-year-old graphic designer Gerald Lawler experienced an anxiety attack following the realization that he was the same age as his parents when they prematurely started a family. “By this time, my parents were already raising a child and had backed themselves into working a job they hated just to make ends meet,” said Lawler, anxiously comparing his current apartment to the tract home whose mortgage his parents are still paying off. “Pretty soon I’ll be 30. Dad had already left Mom when he was 33. I’d better get a move on.” Lawler added, however, that he’s already much more experienced with therapy and antidepressants than his parents were at 28.

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