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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Man At Party Comes Crawling Back To Conversation He Thought He Could Do Better Than

SOMERVILLE, MA—Awkwardly reengaging with the small cluster of people in the corner of his coworker’s living room, party guest David Kirsch reportedly came crawling right back to a conversation he thought he could do better than, sources confirmed over the weekend. “Hey, so I just remembered that I actually had seen Beyond Thunderdome a long time ago, but that’s the only one of the old Mad Max films I’ve watched,” said the humiliated Kirsch, who reportedly circled back to the discussion about Mad Max: Fury Road and other current movies a mere five minutes after extricating himself from the group in search of a more stimulating exchange. “I should check out the others, but I don’t know how they’re gonna top Fury Road.” According to sources, Kirsch attempted to finish his drink as quickly as possible in order to have an excuse to detach himself from the conversation a second time.


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