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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In

WAUWATOSA, WI—With the lower half of his body pinned beneath the two-ton bulk of an overturned Jeep, Dennis Wagar told reporters Monday that he was still waiting for the adrenaline surge that would give him the temporary strength required to escape free. "I kind of thought it would've hit me right after the accident happened, but I guess everyone's body is different," said Wagar, who despite losing all sensation in his legs was sure he'd read something in a magazine somewhere about how the body's epinephrine levels increase dramatically in these situations. "Yup. Here it comes. Any minute now." Certain that an energizing rush of adrenaline would wake him, Wagar then decided to take a little nap.

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