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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days

MOLINE, TX—Crushed under the weight of a sudden and unexpected emotional collapse Friday, local resident Sam Cartwright spent 72 hours completely immobilized beneath the covers of his bed. "I don't know how long I was unconscious for," said Cartwright, who managed to stay alive by eating from a box of Ritz crackers that was within arm's reach. "I couldn't move. There were so many times that I wanted to just give up and die." Cartwright was eventually freed from the blankets when his friend Rob brought over a six-pack and told him to "forget that bitch."

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