Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already

CHICAGO—Eager to press his genitals against the bodies of fellow travelers during Monday’s rush-hour commute, a frustrated Marc Hadrigan was reportedly waiting on the platform of Chicago’s Montrose rapid transit station and wondering when the next train was going to show up already. “I’ve been standing here 15 minutes at least,” said Hadrigan, 46, adding that he had not seen a sign indicating construction delays and that his erection was now all but gone. “I’m giving it five more minutes, then I’m taking the bus. If I’d done that in the first place, I’d be grinding against someone right now.” At press time, Hadrigan had missed the bus and was this close to walking and just groping somebody on a crowded sidewalk.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More