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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already

CHICAGO—Eager to press his genitals against the bodies of fellow travelers during Monday’s rush-hour commute, a frustrated Marc Hadrigan was reportedly waiting on the platform of Chicago’s Montrose rapid transit station and wondering when the next train was going to show up already. “I’ve been standing here 15 minutes at least,” said Hadrigan, 46, adding that he had not seen a sign indicating construction delays and that his erection was now all but gone. “I’m giving it five more minutes, then I’m taking the bus. If I’d done that in the first place, I’d be grinding against someone right now.” At press time, Hadrigan had missed the bus and was this close to walking and just groping somebody on a crowded sidewalk.

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