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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already

CHICAGO—Eager to press his genitals against the bodies of fellow travelers during Monday’s rush-hour commute, a frustrated Marc Hadrigan was reportedly waiting on the platform of Chicago’s Montrose rapid transit station and wondering when the next train was going to show up already. “I’ve been standing here 15 minutes at least,” said Hadrigan, 46, adding that he had not seen a sign indicating construction delays and that his erection was now all but gone. “I’m giving it five more minutes, then I’m taking the bus. If I’d done that in the first place, I’d be grinding against someone right now.” At press time, Hadrigan had missed the bus and was this close to walking and just groping somebody on a crowded sidewalk.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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