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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Pledges Loyalty To Brand In Quiet Convenience Store Ceremony

REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi family of beverages Sunday in a moving 45-second ritual officiated by weekend cashier Kirsten Toles. "I love Pepsi," Tompkins vowed as he offered the clerk two crisp dollar bills, symbolizing his willingness to sacrifice for Pepsi, and received 71 cents in return, symbolizing the portion of the two dollars that Pepsi does not cost. "Always will." The solemn union of man and flavored soda was commemorated by a small bit of printed paper, which Tompkins declined.

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