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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting. “The way everything else seems to be going with Trump’s transition, it feels like we’re in a place where having someone like Reince Priebus in charge is almost kind of reassuring,” said Austin, who acknowledged that he emphatically disagreed with Priebus on nearly every issue, but at least was not abjectly horrified by the idea of the RNC chairman being placed in charge of key decisions as White House chief of staff. “I know there’s a lot to dislike about Priebus, but at the moment, it’s honestly kind of nice knowing there’s at least one person in this administration who’s worked in government before, isn’t vocally racist, doesn’t run an anti-Semitic website, and has never been in the news for beating women. Jesus, compared to the people around him, he almost seems somewhat admirable right now.” Austin added that he was, thankfully, not yet at the point where the possibility of Rudy Giuliani being named the next attorney general was anything less than physically sickening.

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