Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting. “The way everything else seems to be going with Trump’s transition, it feels like we’re in a place where having someone like Reince Priebus in charge is almost kind of reassuring,” said Austin, who acknowledged that he emphatically disagreed with Priebus on nearly every issue, but at least was not abjectly horrified by the idea of the RNC chairman being placed in charge of key decisions as White House chief of staff. “I know there’s a lot to dislike about Priebus, but at the moment, it’s honestly kind of nice knowing there’s at least one person in this administration who’s worked in government before, isn’t vocally racist, doesn’t run an anti-Semitic website, and has never been in the news for beating women. Jesus, compared to the people around him, he almost seems somewhat admirable right now.” Austin added that he was, thankfully, not yet at the point where the possibility of Rudy Giuliani being named the next attorney general was anything less than physically sickening.

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