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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up

YPSILANTI, MI—Stressing that the place has changed a lot since he was throwing up, local cashier Dwayne Rosten excitedly showed his friends the area where he threw up while driving past the neighborhood Saturday afternoon. “There! That’s the exact street where I threw up,” a nostalgic Rosten told his passengers while passing through the Rawsonville neighborhood of Ypsilanti. “That blue house is the house I threw up in. Nothing fancy, but a great place to throw up, you know?” Rosten later cruised by the high school where he “did a lot of throwing up in just four years.”

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