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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up

YPSILANTI, MI—Stressing that the place has changed a lot since he was throwing up, local cashier Dwayne Rosten excitedly showed his friends the area where he threw up while driving past the neighborhood Saturday afternoon. “There! That’s the exact street where I threw up,” a nostalgic Rosten told his passengers while passing through the Rawsonville neighborhood of Ypsilanti. “That blue house is the house I threw up in. Nothing fancy, but a great place to throw up, you know?” Rosten later cruised by the high school where he “did a lot of throwing up in just four years.”

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