Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed. “Okay, I’ll say, ‘Just a trim, please, and I use a size three on the sides,’” Clyne reportedly thought to himself, silently repeating the sentence a number of times in succession in order to memorize it before pausing and deciding to tack on a part about wanting to keep his hair a little longer on top. “Oh, I should probably say something quick at the beginning about which side I normally comb my hair, but I’ll definitely wait for him to ask me about what to do with the back before I tell him I want it tapered. Okay, that seems good.” Sources later confirmed that, despite successfully reciting his request to his barber, Clyne was immediately left panicking and dumbfounded when asked what product he would like used in his hair.

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