Man Pretends To Hit On Woman He'd Like To Hit On For Real

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

Late Night

Man Pretends To Hit On Woman He'd Like To Hit On For Real

BATON ROUGE, LA—Employing a silly voice and jocular manner to suggest a lack of serious intentions, Dennis Vukelich, 29, pretended to hit on a woman he'd like to hit on for real Monday.

Vukelich mock-pledges his love to Broussard.

"Ah, at last we're alone," Vukelich, a due-diligence manager at C&H Accounting, jokingly told coworker Aimee Broussard in the office copier room. "I've waited for this moment all my life."

"Let's make beautiful music together," continued Vukelich, holding a stapler like a microphone and launching into a rendition of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Babe" while Broussard laughed.

"Dennis is so funny," said Broussard, who met Vukelich in February when she joined C&H Accounting as an administrative assistant. "He cracks me up so much."

Several weeks after meeting Broussard, Vukelich began pretending to pursue the 26-year-old blonde.

"Aimee is a really great girl," Vukelich told coworker Bill Pearce during a recent after-work get-together at Bennigans. "She'll be a wonderful mother to our 10 children."

Broussard, who was sitting within earshot at the time, playfully slapped at Vukelich, prompting him to pretend to pour his half-empty Corona over her head.

Like Vukelich, Broussard is single, having recently ended a two-year relationship with her former live-in boyfriend. But despite Broussard's eligibility, and Vukelich's frequent complaints about his lack of a girlfriend, Vukelich said he has no intentions of pursuing her.

"Aimee and I are just good friends," Vukelich said. "Besides, she gets asked out by tons of really good-looking guys. She probably wouldn't be the least bit interested in me. Then again, we do have pretty undeniable chemistry."

In addition to his blossoming friendship with Broussard, Vukelich has been cultivating his friendships with other coworkers of late. Though he had never before thrown a party at his apartment, Vukelich has hosted three coworker gatherings since Broussard joined the C&H Accounting team in February. This summer, he was also instrumental in organizing three weekend outings, one of which was canceled when Broussard was unable to attend.

"Aimee has really been a great addition to our gang at work," Vukelich said. "It's good to have someone new around to motivate us to do things."

Carl Gaston, a due-diligence senior at C&H, encouraged Vukelich to open himself up to the possibility of a relationship with Broussard.

"Dennis should just ask Aimee out already," coworker Carl Gaston said. "He's always joking about it, but he should just do it."

Vukelich rebuffed Gaston's suggestion.

"Oh, come on!" Vukelich said. "Maybe in the future something might develop. But for now, it's not even a possibility. Unless she hit on me first so I knew she was interested."

Attempting to explain why he and Broussard get along so well, Vukelich cited their common interests.

"Aimee comes from a small town, and so do I, so we can really relate on that level," Vukelich said. "There's other stuff, too, like TV shows we both watch, and restaurants and music we both like."

Vukelich said he possesses other qualities that make him attractive to Broussard as a friend.

"I may not be the best-looking guy in the world, but in friendships—and many relationships, too, actually—that doesn't matter so much," Vukelich said. "Women look for other things in a man, like a sense of humor and a kind, generous nature. And Aimee definitely knows I have those things."

Now entering its 10th month, the friendship continues to grow. Last Friday, Vukelich invited Broussard to attend a Paul Simon concert with him—the first time he has asked her to do something outside of work as a pair.

"I had an extra ticket, so I figured, 'What the heck,'" Vukelich said. "No reason to waste it, right?"

Unfortunately, Broussard had "other plans" the night of the event.

"Dennis was sweet to offer, but I lied and said my mom was in town," Broussard said. "I just don't think I could handle him for a whole night alone. At work, with lots of other people around, he's great. But for us to go to a concert or something, just the two of us, that'd be kind of weird."

Next Story