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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Man Pretty Sure He Slept

AKRON, OH—Following eight restless hours in bed, copy repair technician Jason Murphy reported that he was "80 percent" sure he had slept the previous night. "It definitely seemed like I was sleeping for a while there, though I don't really feel rested, so it's hard to say," a haggard Murphy told coworkers Friday. "I mean, when my alarm went off, I jumped, so that must have meant I was asleep, right? Then again, I remember looking up at the clock a couple times and it was 3:38, so I'm not quite sure what happened there." Murphy went on to tell reporters that, regardless, he will try to sleep again this evening.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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