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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Pretty Sure He Slept

AKRON, OH—Following eight restless hours in bed, copy repair technician Jason Murphy reported that he was "80 percent" sure he had slept the previous night. "It definitely seemed like I was sleeping for a while there, though I don't really feel rested, so it's hard to say," a haggard Murphy told coworkers Friday. "I mean, when my alarm went off, I jumped, so that must have meant I was asleep, right? Then again, I remember looking up at the clock a couple times and it was 3:38, so I'm not quite sure what happened there." Murphy went on to tell reporters that, regardless, he will try to sleep again this evening.

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