Man Pretty Sure He Slept

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Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early

DANBURY, CT—Entertaining outlandish delusions of actually getting in a solid eight hours of sleep, 29-year-old Josh Briner is honestly under the impression that he will be going to bed early, sources confirmed Thursday.

Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep.

Husband Apologizing In Sleep

OGDEN, UT—For the third time in as many nights, Chuck Grimstead apologized to wife Olivia in his sleep Monday. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean—hzzzzuwuh," the 43-year-old dentist muttered into his pillow at 4 a.m. "Urmmm... never do it again." Grimstead also promised to be more considerate of his wife's feelings the next time he decided to hnnrghhhh with his poker buddies.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Sleep

Beautyrest

Man Pretty Sure He Slept

AKRON, OH—Following eight restless hours in bed, copy repair technician Jason Murphy reported that he was "80 percent" sure he had slept the previous night. "It definitely seemed like I was sleeping for a while there, though I don't really feel rested, so it's hard to say," a haggard Murphy told coworkers Friday. "I mean, when my alarm went off, I jumped, so that must have meant I was asleep, right? Then again, I remember looking up at the clock a couple times and it was 3:38, so I'm not quite sure what happened there." Murphy went on to tell reporters that, regardless, he will try to sleep again this evening.

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