adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws

CHARLESTON, SC—Despite bringing in a cool grand—that’s 1,000 U.S. dollars in cash—every month, South Carolina resident and Sports Authority employee Jason Bigsby reportedly whines about minimum wage laws on a near daily basis, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really don’t see what this guy’s got to complain about when every month he rakes in a thousand big ones; take a $100 bill and times it by 10 and that’s how much money he makes in a month,” said local Todd Mailer, adding that if Bigsby quit whining and took one look at his finances, he would realize he is essentially being handed a briefcase packed with a thousand $1 bills in it every single month. “The guy’s rolling in it. After living expenses, he still has, what, more than 500 bucks to spend on whatever he wants? Video games, fancy dinners, cologne—you name it. Guy could even save up all that cash and net himself $10,000 by year’s end, I shit you not. $10,000!” At press time, sources said Bigsby should just kick back, stop worrying, and enjoy the good life.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close