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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws

CHARLESTON, SC—Despite bringing in a cool grand—that’s 1,000 U.S. dollars in cash—every month, South Carolina resident and Sports Authority employee Jason Bigsby reportedly whines about minimum wage laws on a near daily basis, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really don’t see what this guy’s got to complain about when every month he rakes in a thousand big ones; take a $100 bill and times it by 10 and that’s how much money he makes in a month,” said local Todd Mailer, adding that if Bigsby quit whining and took one look at his finances, he would realize he is essentially being handed a briefcase packed with a thousand $1 bills in it every single month. “The guy’s rolling in it. After living expenses, he still has, what, more than 500 bucks to spend on whatever he wants? Video games, fancy dinners, cologne—you name it. Guy could even save up all that cash and net himself $10,000 by year’s end, I shit you not. $10,000!” At press time, sources said Bigsby should just kick back, stop worrying, and enjoy the good life.

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