Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 27

Mick Jagger Blamed For Brazil’s Historic World Cup Defeat

Some Brazilians are blaming Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger for their nation’s humiliating 7-1 loss to Germany in the World Cup semifinals Tuesday, suggesting he regularly jinxes teams he cheers for and that the yellow and green jersey he wor...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort

ALBANY, NY—In what impressed coworkers are describing as an unprecedented application of minimal exertion, local office worker Doug Slater is reportedly just about pushing himself to the point of basic effort, sources confirmed Monday. “My God… Doug’s very nearly trying,” coworker Paula Jennings said as Slater summoned the will to motivate himself out of complete stasis. “I mean, we all want to get through our work and go home, but you can tell by the way he’s almost exerting himself that he sort of cares.” Jennings then cautioned that if Slater doesn't slow down or at least pace himself, he'll be burned out for the rest of the week.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More