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Dilemma

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Dilemma

Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night

ANN ARBOR, MI—Explaining that it’s just more convenient, local man Andrew Gomez told reporters Thursday that he’s gotten in the habit of placing a glass of water on his bedside table before he goes to sleep in case he needs to make a huge, sopping mess in the middle of the night. “Sometimes I’ll wake up at night, and it’s nice to be able to reach over and spill water all over my nightstand, comforter, and floor without having to get up,” said Gomez, noting that he usually places a brimming cupful of water next to his cell phone and unopened mail so that he can just awaken in a disoriented state and send the glass and its contents careening everywhere while fumbling for it in the dark. “Who wants to get out of bed and walk all the way to the kitchen to get a drink of water when they can spend half an hour in the middle of the night frantically drying off their possessions and picking up shards of broken glass? It’s definitely much easier this way.” Gomez added that, in the event he does not knock over the glass while reaching for it, there’s nothing quite like the taste of stale, room-temperature water.

Dilemma

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Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...

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