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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Putting Huge Amount of Pressure On Self To Excel At Completely Meaningless Activity

SYRACUSE, NY—According to sources, area man James Hargraves, 34, is pushing himself far too hard to succeed at the completely trivial and pointless multiplayer board game The Settlers of Catan. "Goddamn it, I'm blowing it. Why I can't I harvest these crops right?" the intensely focused and competitive man said about the ultimately meaningless thing that has no real bearing on his life whatsoever. "I just have to keep building roads, that's the key. Can't get behind." At press time, Hargraves was searching online for strategies to improve his performance at the utter waste of his time and energy.

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