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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Putting Huge Amount of Pressure On Self To Excel At Completely Meaningless Activity

SYRACUSE, NY—According to sources, area man James Hargraves, 34, is pushing himself far too hard to succeed at the completely trivial and pointless multiplayer board game The Settlers of Catan. "Goddamn it, I'm blowing it. Why I can't I harvest these crops right?" the intensely focused and competitive man said about the ultimately meaningless thing that has no real bearing on his life whatsoever. "I just have to keep building roads, that's the key. Can't get behind." At press time, Hargraves was searching online for strategies to improve his performance at the utter waste of his time and energy.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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