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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I spend a bit more time going nowhere in my job,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that he needed to make no discernible upward progress at work for a while longer before he could even think about having children. “It’ll take two or three more years of making purely lateral career moves to even consider becoming a father. I’ll feel a lot better about taking on a family down the road if I make time now to get a few nominal raises that will have zero impact on my quality of life.” Fitzpatrick went on to say he would be willing to delay starting a family even longer if he thought a promotion that amounted to a meaningless change in title was a possibility.

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