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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career. “I want to settle down eventually, but, before I do, I want to make sure I spend a bit more time going nowhere in my job,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that he needed to make no discernible upward progress at work for a while longer before he could even think about having children. “It’ll take two or three more years of making purely lateral career moves to even consider becoming a father. I’ll feel a lot better about taking on a family down the road if I make time now to get a few nominal raises that will have zero impact on my quality of life.” Fitzpatrick went on to say he would be willing to delay starting a family even longer if he thought a promotion that amounted to a meaningless change in title was a possibility.

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