After Birth

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father

INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the age where he finds himself acting more and more like the male North American gray wolf who raised him. "As a kid, you're embarrassed to see your dad constantly loping around and marking his territory with his distinctive-smelling urine, but then the next thing you know, you're peeing on low-lying bushes yourself," Koda'wahya said. "This morning I looked in the mirror and there was this bloody rabbit carcass hanging from my mouth. God, I'm such a cliché." Koda'wahya added that he needs to be careful as he gets older, because being relentlessly hunted to the point of extinction runs in his family.

After Birth

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