After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father

INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the age where he finds himself acting more and more like the male North American gray wolf who raised him. "As a kid, you're embarrassed to see your dad constantly loping around and marking his territory with his distinctive-smelling urine, but then the next thing you know, you're peeing on low-lying bushes yourself," Koda'wahya said. "This morning I looked in the mirror and there was this bloody rabbit carcass hanging from my mouth. God, I'm such a cliché." Koda'wahya added that he needs to be careful as he gets older, because being relentlessly hunted to the point of extinction runs in his family.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.