Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up

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Vol 46 Issue 32

Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera.

New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment

CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms sha...

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

ALLENTOWN, PA—"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

A new strain of bacteria that is immune to most antibiotics has been found in patients who underwent surgery in India, and its imminent spread is worrying experts.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Small Business

Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up

BALTIMORE—After being questioned about the thing he had just made up in conversation Tuesday, 37-year-old Paul Rosada explained to those around him that, not only was his fabrication true, but he had recently read somewhere that it had been definitively proven. "You didn't hear about that?" asked Rosada, saying he probably still had the article at home, though he might have thrown it out. "It's probably online. I'll send you a link." Rosada added he was particularly surprised no one knew about the thing he had completely invented because he heard on the radio that they were making a documentary about it.

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