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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Read Somewhere They Proved Thing He Just Made Up

BALTIMORE—After being questioned about the thing he had just made up in conversation Tuesday, 37-year-old Paul Rosada explained to those around him that, not only was his fabrication true, but he had recently read somewhere that it had been definitively proven. "You didn't hear about that?" asked Rosada, saying he probably still had the article at home, though he might have thrown it out. "It's probably online. I'll send you a link." Rosada added he was particularly surprised no one knew about the thing he had completely invented because he heard on the radio that they were making a documentary about it.

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